How nutella taught me real self-love

Giving giving giving is what I have done my entire life.

I didn’t know differently.

I thought that was the way to receive what my soul craved.

Giving in the hope to be given back what I so longed for to be given in return.

After many failed attempts, aka heartbreaks… I came to realized that what I was searching for to be given by others…

I had not been given when I was a child.

And the only thing left to do now.

Was to learn to give myself all I was craving for.

Me to me.

Today is perhaps the first day that I grasped the meaning of true self-love.

Which is not indulging in a jar of Nutella but consciously choosing my own wellbeing.

We cannot give from an empty jar.

Not from an empty jar of Nutella but more so not of an empty jar of our emotional capacity.

There have been moments in my life that radical self-love was the only way just not to fall into the dark abyss.

After a break-up, a burn-out, something that would hit me hard and push me to the floor I quite frankly was left with no other choice.

A forceful act from the Universe to show me I had to learn to nurture myself.

More often than not, however, I wouldn’t know how to.

And so I would use false ways, aka. coping mechanisms.

Harmful acts baptized as acts of self-love.

Just as I had seen in the movies. In my childhood. Or society as a whole.

I would indulge in things that would just fill my emotional void.

Alcohol, drugs, chocolate, cigarettes… Nutella.

Anything really, just so I wouldn’t feel what I actually felt deep inside.

Betrayal. Abandonment. Rejection. Shame.

Deep sadness, grief, anger, disappointment...

Each time I would hit that floor I would go in a spiral of numbing calling it self-love.

Until I decided that it couldn’t continue any longer like this.

I wanted more than this.

I deserved more than this.

And so I took the power in my hands with each “rock-bottom”.

After a brief marriage and divorce, I worked through my abandonment issues.

Being financially broke helped me to work through my self-worth issues.

And every next fall on that floor would help me peel away another layer that held me hostage ;

betrayal, shame, unworthiness, insignificance and the list goes on…

The Universe consistently had proven to respond to my unconscious beliefs.

I felt not good enough and I attracted people, jobs, and situations that would affirm that.

And so I figured that I created my own cycle of painful reality.

Years and years of healing went by.

Any healing modality I could get my hands on.

Hours and hours of youtube videos.

Courses. Conversations. Writings.

And Nutella and cigarettes too.

The more layers I peeled away.

The deeper in my soul I dug.

The deeper the wounds were.

The more intense the pain felt.

It’s always darkest before dawn they say.

And so it was.

Excruciating pain felt in the core of my heart. 

Sometimes feeling like a matter of life and death.

There were times I would feel I couldn’t bear the weight…

But I did.

I became a master in unpeeling.

And the more I practiced peeling off these layers.

The quicker these release experiences became.

The freer I felt.

A lightness would breeze through my heart.

And with this light.

Self-love was not an option but a natural occurrence.

Instead of numbing I learned acceptance of my feelings.

I learned to become my 0wn mother.

I learned to give myself the love, care, appreciation, and affirmation I was craving for.

I learned to honor my humanness in al its glory.

The dark and the light, residing in me.

And so life unfolded…

Of course, I wouldn’t prioritize others’ emotional needs before my own.

Of course, I wouldn’t eat a jar of Nutella because I felt sad.

Of course, I wouldn’t do or say something just to be liked or loved.

Of course, I wouldn’t keep quiet just so that others wouldn’t feel offended by my opinion.

Of course, I wouldn’t tolerate disrespectful behavior.

Of course, I wouldn’t feel guilty for having emotional boundaries.

Of course, I wouldn’t discount my clients because they thought I was too expensive.

Of course, I wasn’t going to sell my soul to a man that didn’t see my preciousness.

Of course.

Now.

From the other side of trauma.

Everything seems so inevitable.

In it, though. It seems impossible.

Self-love, I came to understand, is learning to honor yourself;

to gracefully accept and nurture your emotional, mental, and physical needs.

Self-love as such cán be a spoon of Nutella at times.

Because I like it so much.

This kind of self-love feels good and guilt-free.

If it doesn’t. it is not self-love.

And clearly a coping mechanism.

And so.

Right there.

Nutella taught the difference between numbing and healthy indulgence.

Nutella taught me what self-love truly feels like.

PS. I love Nutella but I use a more natural variant without palm oil. Just sayin’.