The melancholy of happiness

Life.  A dance between light and dark. 

Consciously or unconsciously chosen. 

A series of tests and trials that challenge us to choose, time after time again; to elevate to the light or to go back into the dark. 

Every few trials we pass, we are elevated into a state of more light.

And with that, more power and more life force running through our veins. 

Enabling us to experience life richer. 

Enabling us to come closer to who we really are.

The trials do not stop when we elevate from one state to the other. 

We have to choose over and over again to reach the next level, and then the next, and the next. The path to enlightenment is the path of trials. 

Sometimes we win them.

And sometimes we fail to win. 

When we fail, we fall back.

Sometimes for a short period. Sometimes for longer. 

Yet we always get new chances, to chose again and to chose differently this time.

And so our life path unfolds. 

Like a zigzag of contradictions. 

The moment we get elevated and experience more light - more happiness, more joy - we feel it intensely. And then knocking on our door again is a piece of the dark that was still left inside of us. Something attached to the past that comes in the form of a person, a place, a thought, an addiction, a simple worry, a fear, something that makes us feel less than light - a piece of our inner puzzle that is still covered in the shadow. 

A piece asking us to be shed light upon. A veil to be lifted.

Why do we do that? Why do we want to cover our own light?

The answer is simple….

Just so we don’t shine so bright.

Cause after all “Who are we to be happy? Who are you to be happy? Who am I to be happy?”. 

Darkness, as well as light, are both parts of our identity. 

Yet it’s up to us to change the ratio. 

When we come to experience moments of joy and happiness, often unexpected and sudden, yet very long in the making in the form of our deepest wishes and our silent prayers, eventually something somehow seems to creep in, making us want to go back to the familiar.  The old. The known. 

Not to be mistaken for the favorable. Just thee known. 

The known feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, loneliness, worthlessness, of melancholy. Feelings that we are still resonating with on some level. That is still having a bigger ratio in our identity. It’s hard to change this. These feelings make us feel safe. The familiar feels safe. Not necessarily good or nice. But safe.

It is not our dark sides that most frighten us. It is the boundless light that does.

Until we experienced more light we understand that what was, was darkness. 

There is no other way.

So in those moments when we are asked to choose again. And again. And again. In those moments lie the keys to the next states, the up-leveled stages, to our capacity to hold more light. In those moments we are capable of burning the desire of going back to the familiar and choose the new, unknown space, of more light and more of everything yet unknown and inexperienced.

It’s not an easy quest. 

It’s hard. 

It’s full of hardships.

And it’s full of the overcoming of them too.

And every little step on the way we overcome ourselves, we build a muscle inside of us that can hold the light a little better, a little tighter, and... a little longer. 

Until the next time and the next trial comes along. 

But this time, it won’t feel as challenging. 

Cause that muscle of light we built with so much effort has become a beaming bright fire. Burning so strongly that it’ll take an entire army to extinguish and make us want to go back to the, now further away, old and familiar place of darkness.