Why the Key to Happiness is Self-Honesty

Self-honesty is the key to growth and personal fulfillment in life.

But if it is so… Why is it so hard, to be honest with ourselves?

What is so scary about our own truth?

Last year with a very dear friend of mine I did an experiment. We spent a couple of weeks in her island home and together, after years of friendship, we were able to communicate daily about the journeys of our life. In each other’s presence, we were able to practice radical self-honesty with one another. Without judgment. Without blaming. Without any boundaries. We talked for hours at the kitchen table. Whilst making a fire. Whilst making diner. Sitting at the veranda overseeing the Mediterranean sea. Whilst becoming winter swimmers in the December island waters. Whilst walking around a deserted Greek winter island in Covid lockdown.

We held space for each other, to be honest about our deepest fears, our mistakes, our judgments towards ourselves and others. We share our most vulnerable parts; the things, that make us feel ashamed, guilty, and generally just not so proud.

We practiced self-honesty towards ourselves and also towards each other.

We shared our appreciation for one another but also what we would see in one another.

I reflect back to this time as one of the most transformative times of my life. I have been able to practice self-honesty in therapists’ chairs but this, with a friend, was something else. Someone that already had a space in my heart and was able to hold space for me; was priceless. In her mirroring and her deep presence, I was able to dig deep into my soul and clear the space for my thoughts, feelings, and past actions to arise.

It felt like open-heart surgery. It wasn’t always pretty at the exact moments of our conversation but the feeling afterward felt so relieving; so freeing.

I came face to face with my deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness; my insecurities. My most challenging life experiences and the responsibility I failed to take back then.

By seeing myself as the creator of these life experiences and basically as part of the problem I interestingly found back my power. If I have created or attracted that in my life, then I can also create and attract something else.

I took full responsibility for my own life.

I came to understand that why we often don’t dare to be self-honest is because we fear we will lose something when we do.

Self-honesty makes us feel unsafe.

We fear feelings that might come up.

The feelings of not being respected, loved, approved, appreciated, or of not belonging.

We fear we will have to make decisions that will push us into unknown territories.

We might have to quit that job, end that relationship, tell this person to go back to where they came from, stop eating that bag of crisps in the evenings.

We fear that we can’t cope with the emotions that would arise.

Feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment, jealousy, guilt, shame. 

So we tell ourselves little lies to protect ourselves.

We often aren’t even aware that we aren’t self-honest…

It is mostly when things go wrong in our lives that we look back and see that;

We probably didn’t like the job.

We probably weren’t really happy in that relationship.

We probably were tiptoeing around that friend.

We probably had taken way too much work on. 

Because of our dishonesty with ourselves, we end up in jobs/relationships/friendships that don’t fulfill us. And what we do then is finding escapes; drinking, binge-watching tv, eating, shopping. We find ways to cope with the truth that we have suppressed and the feelings that come with that.

Self-honesty is difficult cause it requires us to take responsibility for our lives.
It requires change. It requires doing things differently.

Getting out of the familiar.

Ending that relationship.

Starting to choose healthy foods.

Getting that therapist.

Changing that house.

Saying no to those people.

Self-honesty as such is not for the weak. Self-honesty is a very very brave act. Self-honesty is for those wanting more from life.

The key to unlocking self-honesty is I believe a deeper spiritual belief.

That you are not your thoughts, feeling, or your actions.

Self-honesty requires seeing yourself as more than the things you think, feel and do.

It is essentially recognizing that you are more than your personality.

It is understanding that you are a soul, first. And a human with all that comes with that, second.

It’s seeing yourself from a helicopter view.

Is not identifying with the identity you have now but understanding that this identity is created over time.
And can be changed.

I think this fundamental belief is really important when we practice self-honesty. It’s realizing that what we are is more than our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Self-honesty is important to live a life in abundance of everything. To make our dreams come true. To build a happy life with and for ourselves.

Once we practice self-honesty we can also be honest with others. Transparency, honesty and openness in any form of relationship is inevitable then. Cause when you are that with yourself, you cannot not be that with others. And this is where true connection resides. 

So essentially, living true to yourself and building the relationships and life you want requires this check-in with yourself. Does this work for me? Am I happy with this? Is this fulfilling? Do I feel recharged or depleted after this conversation / this day of work / this event? Does this lifestyle represent me?

Again, it is not easy to be honest with ourselves.

Self-honesty forces us to walk new pathways, away from the old and into the unknown new.

We are not guaranteed of success on this new path…

But we are guaranteed that the old one is not working.

The brave ones pick the path of the unknown.

With a deep trust that their internal guidance system is moving them into a new direction for a reason; to fulfill that deep wish and need that we all have to feel happy, fulfilled, meaningful, and … just more joy.